March 2001

Saturday, 31 March 2001

I'm somewhere just outside of Euroa. We've been on the road since 7:50am. We'll probably arrive in Canberra at about 6:00pm tonight.

We drove out of Melbourne for the last time. Down Dandy Road, past Albert Park (Rnnn), over the Westgate and onto the Western Ring Road. Out of respect to the Golden Arches we made a donation at their Western Ring Road West drive-thru window. We also took advantage of their 60 cent hash brown deal.

We were late arriving at Michelton Winery but that seemed to be in keeping with our modus operandus this week. We saw our mate (Jan's ex) Dave for one last hug, and a case of Preece wine while we were there. Gee,...we would have stopped in on Dave even if he didn't work at a winery. I mean, he's practically on our way.

Dave's a dude (and Jan if you're reading this) I reckon you two should get back together. You won't find a nicer bloke anywhere (except for Scott and he's taken so hands off, Bitch). That said, my role-playing days as "Cupid, The Incredible Matchmaker" are long gone! Perhaps I'll write a witty book about failed matchmaking attempts one day.

We're just driving past a town called "Boho". Imagine that. "Hi, I'm Anna from Boho", or, "Hi, I'm Barry Hall from the Boho Bulldogs".

Party on Boho.

We've just been overtaken by a Jaguar. It's good to see a Jag doing some over-taking. (Irony)

I've been so busy this last week or two that I've had no time to think, or even to get emotional about going (not to mention write anything for my cool web site). People have asked "Are you sad to be leaving?" and the standard answer is "Yes". But the truth is,...or as Michael Schumacher says, "To be honest",...I haven't thought about it. Obviously I will miss some things, some people. There are some things I will be glad to leave behind,... like Monash University. The beaurocracy, the policy changes, the unreasonable deadlines, the pressure.

IRONY:

The irony is that the Jaguar F1 team is currently heavily involved in scraping the bottom of the kick-arse barrel.

Dream on Eddie.

Sunday, 25 March 2001

Romans 4 is an amazing chapter. The concepts are mind blowing when you look at them in the Old Testament / Jewish context.

A God of law and commandments is impressed by Abraham's faith and credits it to him as righteousness. This story just seems to have more impact on me because Abraham and Sarah were the same people who struggled with infertility and it affected the following two generations similarly. Makes you think,...

Tonight was my last night at Crossway Baptist. The message was about humility - the act of considering God and other people before yourself. It really spoke to me. I tend to be very self-centered.

The altar call was about commitment to God, a sense of putting Him first,...it was also about frustration and getting prayer for it. I prayed with a lady named Rosalyn. She was obviously a mature Christian and went straight for the Bible. I was impressed.

Firstly, she read me Romans 4:17b.

"the God who gives life to the dead and calls things that are not as though they were".

Then she went on. Romans 4:20 stood out to me.

"Yet he did not waiver through unbelief regarding the promise of God, but was strengthened in his faith and gave glory to God".

This scripture is particularly powerful. The sheer faith demonstrated is inspiring.

I know that faith comes easily to me. Where some people will grapple and argue and require proof, I can usually just believe with a simple child-like faith. But believing a specific promise can be difficult. Things that affect your life - believing God for a spouse, or a child, or money,...it's tough. There's emotions and needs attached to each one and until the revelation of unwavering faith happens, the struggle will continue.

Hang in there.

I'm hanging in for a baby. Rosalyn prayed for both Scott and I. She also prayed for our Brisbane trip. I believe it's all in God.

IT MAKES YOU THINK,...

Why does infertility happen? Why did it happen to three generations in a row? I mean, this was a family that God had ordained to be the biggest family in the world. Abraham was to be the forefather of all nations. It makes sense then, that his family, particularly in the very beginning, was vulnerable to satanic opposition.

By the time Jacob and Rachel were having kids, there was plenty of baby-making going on and satan had plenty of distractions.

Wednesday, 14 March 2001

It amazes me how God takes the problems and failures of this world and turns them into the biggest victories and blessing.

Satan's always lurking about looking for who he can pounce on next. But when he pounces, God turns things around. At that point, God seems to play a bigger part in people's lives than ever before. It must really piss Satan off.

Excellent.

My period started today. That would seem to answer the pregnancy question. It does, however, raise more Vitamin B6 questions.

I asked Dr Parkin about them today. She wasn't too sure about the fertility issues, but she was concerned with the neuropathy issues of high / prolonged doses. So I'll ask Dr Stern on Monday.

I've been out of the office for nearly 3 hours. Most of that was at the doctor and normally I would rush straight back to work... but I am on sick leave dammit! I'm sick of running. I feel like my whole life is about running lately.

Dr Parkin is very sympathetic and understanding. She's aware that I'm young, I'm working full-time, studying part-time, juggling family, fiends and an interstate move. I'm really glad she doesn't heavy me too much about diet and exercise. Although I'm not brilliantly successful, at least I'm trying.

Tuesday, 13 March 2001

Waiting. I am waiting and wondering. No major pregnancy symptoms have showed up, but neither has my period. I am holding off on buying another pregnancy test. It's like having chocolate in the house, I simply have to consume them. The temptation of knowing is too great.

On Sunday night,... as I stood and prayed and waited for someone to come and pray with me, a lot of things went through my mind.

Why do I have to wait? Everyone else is getting prayer except me. That'd be right. I'm always left 'till last. Blah, blah, blah. I bet the person I get won't know anything of what I'm going through. They won't understand. It's all lip service.

As I stood there, my brain just whirled around.

It is no small coincidence then, that Ann Power is a Diabetes Educator. I had never met her before that night, but as we prayed and as she asked me questions, I began to tell her bits and pieces of my history. As she prayed, she began to reveal bits and pieces of hers, nursing, diabetes education, her own period of ammenorhoea, her children.

Prayer is about sharing with each other and with God. It takes faith and courage to pray with a stranger - even if you're in Church. It's like letting them see your bedroom when it's in a mess.

Monday, 12 March 2001

On Sunday night at Church I was particularly down. The reason I was down is another sorry all together. The point is that God met with me and encouraged me and built me up in a way only He knows how to do.

I am continually blessed and astounded by the way an Awesome and Omnipotent God meets with me on such an intimate and personal level. He knows what I'm thinking, he knows where I'm coming from.

I entered Church last night with a great need to be reminded that he has healed me and that he has promised me a child. As I sat in Crossway Baptist Church, they announced a changed service format for the evening. A sermon would be preached, then healing prayer and communion would follow.

I went out for healing prayer. There were plenty of people out the front at the altar wanting prayer. I waited a long time - and in my heart I heard myself make a bitter remark about how, even in Church, God leaves me till last. I watched people get prayer in front, beside and behind me and still I waited. A scripture crossed my mind. "I'm not letting you go until you bless me". Ironically, it was Jacob who said that originally.

Finally, out of left field, came a lady named Ann Power. She prayed for me with eloquence and understanding. As it turns out, she is a nurse who's just finished training to be a Diabetes Educator. She blessed me by her desire to see people spiritually healed as well as physically healed.

Ann and I spent a long time in prayer. Ann anointed me with oil. She also mentioned that she felt a sense of joy and fulfillment in her prayer, but also a duty to bear witness to what the Lord has done in my life. As a result, I am here writing now. I've got a lot of stuff to tell,... this is just the first installment.

Thursday, 8 March 2001

I'm completely 'over it' today. I had a fight with a tutor who didn't get paid, a fight with Personnel Services over their attempts to change a policy retrospectively, a fight with the Associate Head of School over an airfare which Mary booked. My mantra this week has been "Bloody Mary". I think by 5:00pm tomorrow I will have earned olympic quantities of the stuff!

Today, I composed a message to all staff about a couple of relevant issues. Then, I added a post-script along the lines of "I'm leaving, I'm leaving, YAHOO!!!!".

After re-reading, I decided that it sounded callous, cold and resentful. It was deleted, but at least you, dear readers, are privvy to the true nature of my mind. It's not as nice and quaint as I would like to think it is - it's more bitter and twisted, a little bit sour.

When I became a Christian, Jesus said "Yeah, I'm ready for a challenge!". He can take on a sour old bag and sweeten them up.

I am half-convinced I'm pregnant,... I have the sore breast thing going on. This is encouraging and is a good sign that my hormones are doing what they should. I have wasted so many pregnancy tests in my time. The next one I'm gonna take will be a positive. If it's not, then I think I'll give up on taking pregnancy tests. Now that would be a terrible shame, wouldn't it?

Monday, 5 March 2001

I had great intentions of producing a really cool print 'zine, and then putting archived versions of it on the web. My so-called "DD Day" was to be 1 March 2001.

I have been going though some serious lessons in learning to hear the voice of the Holy Spirit lately. For those of you who don't know - which is practically everyone - I'm a Christian (more on that in other blurbs).  So, I'm getting to know God's voice. The Bible says its the still, quiet, small voice in your spirit. Personally, I always get suckered by the loudest voice.

When I was kneeling in church last Sunday night, I believe the Holy Spirit told me not to put my 'zine out in its current form. I remain unsure why,... but out of respect to God I have not published the 'zine. Instead, I'm here doing something kind of like an on-line journal. If I'm going to do something like this, then I need to give tribute to one who went before me and paved the way.  Nikol Lohr of Disgruntled Housewife fame, we salute you!

Maybe I'm not as willing as she is, to talk about my underpants or pornography, or even to disclose my shopping hall of shame, but I think I've got something to say. When I work out what it is, you'll be the first to know.

DH & I went to the Australian Formula 1 Grand Prix this week. It was a fantastic four day event,... we had perfect seats, perfect weather, even perfect race results. So, you can imagine my disappointment when it came to light that one of the race marshalls had been killed by a flying wheel after Jacques Villenueve drove up Ralph Schumacher's bum. The drivers must have been informed on the way to the podium, because they were all solemn. There was no joy, no champagne and everyone in the crowd just stood there wondering what was going on.

It was only in the post-race interviews that it came out that someone had died. I had visions of Monza 2000 all over again. Back at work this week, everyone I spoke to about the Grand Prix new all about the marshall, but nothing about who won!

News Flash - Podium positions were:

1. Michael Schumacher

2. David Coulthard

3. Reubens Barrichello

Friday, 2 March 2001

As if I have a point! If only I had a point.

Thursday, 1 March 2001

First day of the Australian Formula 1 Grand Prix at Albert Park.

They say to eat right and exercise and take my health into my own hands. It's all well and good when there is time in the day for all those things. There doesn't appear to be time in this life for the pursuit of dreams.

I love to watch busy roads, streets, airports, train stations,...people are all going some place. It's such a striking contrast to me. Me, who's sitting here still trying to exorcise my demons.

I know I'm meant to write. I know I'm meant to be a writer,...but perhaps it's more to maintain sanity than to earn a living???

Truth is,... I don't think I'm meant to do anything but write. Just sit here, with my trust purple pen, and warble on aimlessly as if I have a point.

Wednesday, 28 February 2001

I just left a Diabetes Seminar in something akin to despair. The reasons for my despair are far from logical. Part of the reason I write is to try and find some logic in my crazy feelings.

There is an amazing irony in my despair tonight. After I left the seminar, I just drove up and down Warrigal Road. When the odometer reached 177.6, I pulled into McDonalds. When I stopped, it read 177.7. As I sit here eating comfort food and writing, I contemplate whether I really might be pregnant. Perhaps I shouldn't have ordered the soft-serve ice-cream and large coffee!

I feel like my body is a bit like one of DH's dodgy old second hand computers. He repairs them (usually) via a process of elimination. I am some doctor's dodgy old P.C. - only they're nowhere near as committed to my repair as DH is to his strange collection of old 486's.

I bet no G.P., endocrinologist or fertility specialist stays up until 3:00am tinkering with my medical file. I'm sure they'd send me a huge bill if they did.

I asked Rocco Whatshisface (DiVencenzo?) about vitamin B6 deficiency and fertility and goitre belts and iodine. I feel so desperate. Just thinking about it makes me want to cry.

Would it be wishful preg-testing to try one tonight? I'm beginning to understand the pain of the woman on INCIID.

It is indeed the last moment before midnight.

Inciid is an on-line centre for information dissemination about infertility.